Melon

 August 12 Word of the Day: Melon

 

Tragedy has been averted in recent days when it seemed the King of Thailand might expire from a surfeit of melons. The court could no longer suppress the fact of the king’s secret addiction to the fruit, which began at the age of 8. Some say, earlier. The President of Russia has been exposed as the supplier of high-quality melons, planed in secretly from the best melon nations. He was not available for comment. Some of the melons classify as luxury melons, “according to sources familiar with the matter.”  ‘Melon-drama!’ blasted one local tabloid, a witty sub-editor’s play on melodrama, suggesting things had got out of hand, or was that with ice-cream and macadamia nuts? The King of England admitted to enjoying melon on occasion but could not be drawn on how often, beyond saying it’s appropriate at any meal. He grows his own. The French President sent his best wishes on a speedy recovery, commenting that melon was also one of his own weaknesses. The Paris press was quick to remind readers melon was a great favourite of Napoleon. The Rome press went troppo on headline puns using meloni, the name of the Italian Prime Minister, some of them untranslatable. The King of Thailand later admitted the error of his ways, that he needs to ration his diet to three round meals a day. National outpouring was swift, with a huge increase in popularity for any fruit calling itself melon, and a corresponding praise for abstemiousness, self-reflection and proper mealtimes. The Chinese president keeps a measured silence. His Indian counterpart indulged in a week of melon jokes without hinting at what he was referring to. The American press judges the events as a curiosity, with wispy editorialising using lyrics from ‘The King and I’ for reference. Their President also has said nothing directly, but did spend almost 30 minutes of a rambling three-hour speech detailing his favourite melon dishes. Late night comedians joked about why he had not yet died of a surfeit of them. Wiser heads have been asking why the monarch of a country famous for this family of fruit, notably the magnificent durian, would need to accept melons from outsiders at all. Interest has turned to gifts, favours, and tributes, with focus on other leaders involved in pandering to the king’s secret, with further enquiries underway. These conjectures are being outweighed, it can be observed, by salacious articles about other historical figures who died of a surfeit, melons or other; as well as colour pieces on how much melon is too much melon; and warnings against eating too much of one kind of foodstuff, with special reference to the side effects of excess melon, which include bloating and sugar spikes.