August 12 Word of the Day: Melon
Tragedy
has been averted in recent days when it seemed the King of Thailand might
expire from a surfeit of melons. The court could no longer suppress the fact of
the king’s secret addiction to the fruit, which began at the age of 8. Some
say, earlier. The President of Russia has been exposed as the supplier of high-quality
melons, planed in secretly from the best melon nations. He was not available
for comment. Some of the melons classify as luxury melons, “according to
sources familiar with the matter.” ‘Melon-drama!’ blasted one local tabloid, a
witty sub-editor’s play on melodrama, suggesting things had got out of hand, or
was that with ice-cream and macadamia nuts? The King of England admitted to
enjoying melon on occasion but could not be drawn on how often, beyond saying
it’s appropriate at any meal. He grows his own. The French President sent his
best wishes on a speedy recovery, commenting that melon was also one of his own
weaknesses. The Paris press was quick to remind readers melon was a great
favourite of Napoleon. The Rome press went troppo on headline puns using
meloni, the name of the Italian Prime Minister, some of them untranslatable.
The King of Thailand later admitted the error of his ways, that he needs to
ration his diet to three round meals a day. National outpouring was swift, with
a huge increase in popularity for any fruit calling itself melon, and a
corresponding praise for abstemiousness, self-reflection and proper mealtimes.
The Chinese president keeps a measured silence. His Indian counterpart indulged
in a week of melon jokes without hinting at what he was referring to. The
American press judges the events as a curiosity, with wispy editorialising
using lyrics from ‘The King and I’ for reference. Their President also has said
nothing directly, but did spend almost 30 minutes of a rambling three-hour
speech detailing his favourite melon dishes. Late night comedians joked about
why he had not yet died of a surfeit of them. Wiser heads have been asking why the
monarch of a country famous for this family of fruit, notably the magnificent
durian, would need to accept melons from outsiders at all. Interest has turned
to gifts, favours, and tributes, with focus on other leaders involved in pandering
to the king’s secret, with further enquiries underway. These conjectures are
being outweighed, it can be observed, by salacious articles about other
historical figures who died of a surfeit, melons or other; as well as colour
pieces on how much melon is too much melon; and warnings against eating too
much of one kind of foodstuff, with special reference to the side effects of
excess melon, which include bloating and sugar spikes.
