My personalised function keys. F1: Foretells the future. F2: Gauges my mood and selects long-playing record of appropriate music. F3: Stops all incoming nonsense until I’m ready. F4: Translation of all known languages into Jamesian English. F5: Reading of same with Jamesian tone and delivery. F6: Supplies precise word needed in my current sentence. F7: Diacritics without tears. F8: Publishes my latest collection (“May”) in selected font with original artwork, soft binding. F9: WWJD F10: Activates shutdown of all nominated time-wasting distractions, e.g. Facebook, newspapers, Google Image. F11: Sets to full screen. F12: Converts computer into a large metallic flower.