DeSanctimonious

 

We hold these truths to be self-evident: it is the right of every citizen to be DeSanctimonious. To be or not to be DeSanctimonious, that is the question. Sign up now for the 12-step DeSanctimonious program. If you are feeling tired, listless, sanctimonious, then perhaps it’s time to take up a free DeSanctimonious course. Do yourself a favour: download the new Taylor Swift album ‘DeSanctimonious Like You’ while stocks last. DeSanctimonious is as DeSanctimonious does. And lo! The DeSanctimonious shall inhabit the earth and there will be a season of rampant name-calling. They say he is one hell of a DeSanctimonious sonofabitch. That woman gives new meaning to the word DeSanctimonious, I mean really. The nicest thing I can say about them is they are, and I’m trying hard here, DeSanctimonious. Lexicographers, however, are divided over DeSanctimonious: isn’t it one of those Janus words, a contronym? Popular DeSanctimonious dummies manuals seem designed to overcome or reduce the condition amongst those accused, rightly or wrongly, of being DeSanctimonious. Are they or aren’t they? It cuts deep. They need to know. Something. This should not be a cause for sleepless nights. While other evidence suggests the word also means its opposite in general usage. Common sanctimoniousness isn’t enough. There is a desire to accelerate their DeSanctimonious credentials in all directions, gear up or even turbocharge the DeSanctimonious via DeSanctimonious weekend retreats and refresher courses, the ultimate objective being able to say and in all truth, even with a touch of arrogance, they are more DeSanctimonious than thou. This contronym contrariety can do your head in. You will wish you had never heard the word DeSanctimonious. It is recommended to play ‘Round Midnight’ by DeSanctimonious Monk on permanent loop until you are chill. Or imagine what it would be like, no direction home, if Bob Dylan had kept to the first draft: “Even the President of the United States sometimes must have to stand naked.”  Polysyllabic DeSanctimonious didn’t scan for Bob. Then again, if top secret documents can eventually be declassified, can someone become l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y DeSanctimonious? Can they become less and less holy until there’s nothing holy left, only a hole? Or less and less sanctimonious until they are to all intents and purposes very holy and possibly even sacrosanct? It is a veritable paradox, a conundrum that defies mere grammar. Perhaps Dean Martin was right, everybody’s DeSanctimonious sometimes. Even, or especially, if they don’t know what the word means. This column is open for comments.