Coping

 

Seeking support is one of the best adaptive coping mechanisms for a Magpie barracker. Grouping together during finals season with likeminded supporters confirms the concrete view that Collingwood is bound for glory and gives respite from the nagging fear that some bunch of clowns (Sydney, Geelong?) could cheat you of what is self-evidently yours by right. Relaxation is recommended, spending your afternoons devising Greatest Collingwood Teams of the past hundred years: Billy Picken fullback, the Richardson brothers wings, ‘Fabulous Phil’ Carman interchange, &c. Setting realistic goals is part of the coping mechanism known as problem-solving. A five or six goal victory in the Grand Final is more realistic than a 20-goal win. Keeping this in mind helps steady nerves and better focuses the barracker’s mental game plan. Maintaining a sense of humour is well nigh impossible if you’re Collingwood. Finding a sense of humour, however, is a good practical exercise that can occupy hours of your day, if only as a distraction from the confounded business of what is the right angle for wearing a black-and-white beanie and scarf. Physical activity is a mechanism tried and true. It can involve pinning club photos around your room, regularly checking where you are on the League Ladder, and may extend to walking down to the local oval and doing something you haven’t done since you were a kid: kick a football. Maladaptive coping mechanisms, unfortunately, are very common amongst diehard Magpies. Escape into daydreams, playing all the positions in fantasy matches of the mind, are on the record. Self-soothing is a slippery slope. It sounds therapeutic to watch Collingwood replays 24/7 with the aid of large bottles of Jack Daniels, but this is a false friend, leading to deepening delusions of grandeur and disconnection from the central nervous system. In fact, can lead onto numbing, a coping mechanism that critics claim is the normal state of homeostasis for people who barrack for the Pies: what else do they think about? Isn’t it “their very being”? This is unfair. Collingwood people are capable of doing more than one thing at a time. Scattered evidence is available if you wish to know more, just message me. Compulsion is common, especially during the winter season if the Woods look like a chance. Online tracking verifies that Collingwood sites get more hits per minute than any other football site, with computer hermits asserting, or perhaps that’s indulging, their existential belief in visions of Victoria Park. Some analysts have likened this to religious behaviour; others say it’s just tragic. Or comic, depending on your point of view. Risk-taking must be factored in, at the very least, dangerous driving, hooliganism, extreme vulgar jokes often being explained with the off-hand judgement, “Must be a Collingwood person.” Most serious is self-harm, for example getting a tattoo of the club crest on your bicep, the names of the 2010 Premiership team down your calf muscle, or (worst case scenario) going the full Dane Swan and covering yourself in glory from head to foot, black-and-white and read all over.